Hi y'all. Well, not much to report today, but the more I hear about people's thanksgiving, the more I feel sad. sad for charles as well as myself. How can someone so gentle, good and kind get so totally ignored? Of the 3 Wells brothers, Tal's in California, having a huge knees up with his lady's family. Richard will be celebrating with his wife and daughter in Texas. Charles and I will be here, on our own, with no turkey, no nothing. Personally, I'll be glad when it's over. We could, Charles says, go out to eat someplace, but he's not sure where, and what's the point. We'd be just as alone, so we may as well save our dollars and stay here. What makes me so mad is that when Charles was completely alone, suffering from depression so bad it was scary, he was also totally ignored for three out of the four years he had to suffer it. I can't bear to think of him at Christmas and thanksgiving back then. And of course, that is the one big difference. We have no turkey, but we have each other, thank God.

Happy thanksgiving everyone who celebrates it. Huggies all!

Hi, peeps. It's 5 in the morning, my sleep pattern is well and truly screwed up! But I had a big sleep earlier, and now I'm here to tell you about yesterday, which was good, if quiet.

Got up, talked on Skype to Nanna, nerdled about a lot. I'm having some real nice mail correspondence with Tal and Jan now. Later, when nanna went offline we watched a couple movies. My head and back were playing up, so I wasn't a particularly happy camper, but ok. Late in the afternoon, a package showed up, containing 2 gigs of new ram for slow Joe. Now, I know, I should have faith, but I thought, what if it don't work, or too much new memory gives him heart failure or something? It stressed me out, and it was full on Migraine city!

Well, the spyde just got down to installing the memory. He just got it done. Apparently it was hard, you have to be real real careful, and he didn't get it quite right first time, but now it's working, and slow joe is go Joe, and, while he might have a little trouble keeping up with Janey, he is now a fast, workable machine, which he sure wasn't before! I'm just so so proud of thespyde for doing that for us. Though, why he didn't do it ages ago is beyond me!

Well, my back started to really hurt, so I took some Tylanol, and had a lovely back massage, given to me by my dearest doctor. After which, I went out like a light! And now I'm here! I'm going to go lie down soon, as Charles won't sleep without me, and he needs to. But first... Food! Laters, all!

Well, I never got to post that, nor lie down, as I had some awesome chats on msn with fleurette67 and wordwizard1000, so now it's even later, and I'm even hungrier, so. Food, then sleep!

Hi, peeps. Did you ever know how it feels to go from happy, hopeful, full of good food and wine, to crying so so hard you can hardly breathe? Well, it happened to me last night. I have some catching up to do, so I better get to it!

Yesterday was such a lovely day. I found out about this new game, Q9, please, if anyone who loves gaming hasn't tried this yet, go here and get the demo. It's so damn good, I bought it, and you know I never, ever buy games. Well, Charles bought it for me, bless him!

Anyway, so, in the morning I was playing this Q9, which is an awesome action adventure, but unlike most of these, easy to play key wise, I mean just a few simple strokes to remember, and no 3 d sound. A side scroller! Just great! So there I was, talking on Skype, and zapping leopards, gorillas, bats and bears who get in my way, and trying to jump pits. Great fun. In the afternoon I took a nap, then got ready for the wedding I'd been asked, at very short notice, to sing at.

Well, the wedding was beautiful. I couldn't but think of sometime next summer, hopefully, when Bro Paul reads the service for us, and we make our vows. I sang "When you say nothing at all". My arrangement is a lot slower than Charles's one, the one he sings I mean, and also a lot slower than I recorded it on Joyspring. This time the mistake worked for me, because it being so slow made it a real love balad, and I'm really pleased with how it went down.

Anyway, afterwards there was lots of chat and photographs, we didn't know anyone, so were feeling like pelicans in the wilderness! Then there was the most amazing, heavenly smell of savory, smoky food, and we were asked to come eat. Bro Paul and Judi stayed with us after that, and took real good care of us.

A whole pig had been roasted and smoked over Pecan chips for 6 hours. The flavour was just totally amazing, and the meat so tender you could cut it with a fork. Whole chickens had been done the same, and that was even better. The meat was slathered with homemade barbecue sauce, which was so damn good I almost levitated right there and then! Ears of sweetcorn were also grilled and spicy, homemade baked beans and pork, oh guys! I hate baked beans, and only ate these out of politeness cos they were on my plate, but my lord! The sauce was thick, spicy, juicy, the beans were butter tender, there was pieces of soft tender pork meat in there, oh wow! Just awesome! Potato salad, very different from the way we would think of it here. Potatoes are mashed with mayo or sour cream, and into that goes chopped egg, chopped onion, chopped dill pickles, and loads of other good things. The result is thick, creamy, tasty, I've never had anything so good! To drink there was sweet tea, ice tea that is, and some just awesome fruit punch. Judi made that, so I now have the recipe! So yay!

Well, we had two platefuls of this awesome Southern home cooking, and then a chunk of the cake, chocolate and vanilla marbled cake, with cool whip frosting, that's like very thick, sweet whipped cream. You can stick your old marzipan fruit cake! peh on that! As we were finishing, Bro Paul brought round a dixy cup and asked us to taste. He said it was wild muscadyne wine. Wild muscadynes are like grapes, only slightly larger, they grow wild on vines, you can't eat the skin, it's too thick, so you squeeze the sweet juice and pulp out of each fruit into your mouth, if you find them growing any place. I tasted the wine. It was more like port or sweet sherry, very strong. Thick, intensely fruity, sweet, and with the taste of wildness. It's hard to explain, just this special, almost earthy tang, you just could taste the good air and sunshine that ripened the sweet wild fruits!

After we were finished, I got Judi to take me to meet the chef, who was a lovely big, hearty guy. He says he'll do the meats for our wedding, whenever we want! And he gave me a whole small mineral water bottle of wine to bring back. I'll save it for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So, we'd had a nice evening, and were driving home in the car. Bro Paul was talking about the Lawhaws, the family that had Bo cat. I said I hoped they were taking good care of him, and then found out. They had moved house, and let him go. It's no exaggeration to say I've thought of that little cat every day since we had to give him up. I missed him like hell while we were still here, and often wondered about him when we were in Britain. I comforted myself thinking he was ok, cared for, in a good place. Only now he's not. I don't know where he is, whether he's alive or dead, and the worst thing is, what if he came back here looking for us, and we were gone? I know cats don't feel like we do, but if he came back expecting food, help, and got nothing... That thought I find really unbearable.

Well, the rest of the night was just a river of tears. I'm really really surprised at the strength of my reaction to this, I just can't believe how much I'm hurting!

Anyway, life has to go on, I'm having a talk to Nanna right now, or rather she's just with me. She's lost cats in the past, so she knows what it feels like. I've made coffee, soon we'll eat and head to church. Hope everyone else is doing ok. Big hugs all.

What, me again? yeah, must be a nightmare, but I have two hours till meds, need to stay awake, so hell! What else is a girl to do!

First, I forgot to bring the freakin lj client over on my hard drive, and by gum trees, am I missing it now! This website gets more impossible every time I try logging on to it! No wonder it nearly drives Charles to drink! Latest thing is, Jaws refuses to take me to the first edit box, and does something else stupid instead. Peh on it, I tell you!

Just had such a nice breakfast! Today has been the first day I could really taste my cereal, sausage and cheese biscuit and coffee. Damn! I love American biscuits, and they're not to be confused with cookies, please! The nearest we have is a scone, but biscuits are savory things, scones are mostly sweet, and biscuits are much lighter and more fluffy, at least these frozen ones are!

So just imagine a nice, tasty, light fluffy dough, baked all golden, and a thick, juicy, real tasty round of sausage sandwiched between the halves, with a thin slice of cheese on top of it. When you take the plate from the microwave, the biscuit is steaming hot, and the cheese has melted and run all down the sides, like golden lava! It smells amazing, mixed with chocolate and maple from Charles's oatmeal, and rich, fragrant, dark roasted coffee. I reckon I probably gave you all this last year, but hell! You're getting it again! The house has felt like an alien place to me, since I got here, on account of my being so sick, I guess. Today it smelt, tasted and felt like home again. I still don't wanna live here, neither of us do, full time, but hell! If we have to spend times here, there are definitely compensations!

And I can think of another one! I'm going to give Charles some computer time, and go feed Will. Love y'all, as they say down here! Laters!

Ok, before you squeeze another word out of me, let me warn you this is a no holes barred entry, so if you may be offended by T M I, or are maybe eating, use your tab key, or letter H or whatever!

Well, I was awoken at five A M yesterday morning, by blinding agony in my ear. So once it had been dealt with, or at any rate slightly appeased, thought the heck! I'm awake now, and hungry. So we got up and had breakfast, and then had some lovely skype time with Nanna, which was just as well, as the rest of the day we couldn't be with her at all.

About one, Bess arrived to drive us to the clinic. This is a place like a hospital, for my non-american readers. Charles says it's a day hospital. But the point is, people who have proof of a low income can make appointments, or walk in like we did, and, after a lengthy wait, at least be sure of getting some help. The next step below that is the Conway Charity hospital, where you just go and wait. you can wait eighteen hours before you're even triaged, but anyone gets help there. And we moan about the NHS! Ye gods!

Ok, so, after a wait of a mere two hours, I'm triaged, which basically means asked a lot of questions about my medical history etc, and then left in a room for another long wait. Eventually, a very nice, young, bright, Nurse Practitioner comes in and says she believes my ear's infected and can I show her. I do, she takes a look, and exclaims "Lord Jesus! Yes Ma'am!" which kind of makes me smile, it's so typically southern!

Ok, so the news is, the infection's bad, but in my outer ear, the ear canal, only. And what caused it? Well, I was right in the first place. A spot! An infected pimple or spot as I'll hereafter refer to them. So, she prescribed a shit load of meds for me, and after another long wait at the pharmacy, we came home.

I was cold right through to the bone, and shivering with pain, the tylanol had worn off, and Migraine, so took my sorry self off to bed. Charles bought us Johnny's Sweep the Kitchen pizza, which was lush! I wanted sweep the swamp, the all seafood one, but it's out of season, they say! peh on that!

So I had me a bit of sleep, woke with the ear feeling immeasurably better, even after just the first dose of drops and pills, and now I'm here, with my mind on those nasty things that can strike like a plague of locusts in your teens, and never seem to let up!

I've been lucky, in that I've never had really bad acne, I guess that's a different ball game to the thing I'm about to discuss here. But every now and again, a nasty little visitor or two will grow on me. I've read in every magazine to leave it alone, put something on it, this or that kind of moogoo, it'll get better. Neh, sorry, not for me. I hate them, they have no business on me, and they get no quarter when I find them: kill! Kill! kill! Sometimes you have to bide your time and wait till they're ready, but the way I see it is, if possible, infected stuff comes out, and gets cleansed away, not reabsorbed back into me! I've seen people with blemishes on them because they left spots alone, and the stuff just went under the skin and festered. And this one here, I should have dealt with it, but let it be for various reasons, and look what it did to me! So. Why write about such a weird thing? Dunno, just feel like it. But here's something weirder, I'll draw you a paralel. When you feel a badness, or something's wrong, no let me rephrase that, when I feel a badness, something wrong, I can't just put something on it, ignore it, try to pretend it's not there. Out it has to come. Here, on to this very page, if necessary. But I never could keep a wrong thing to myself, I couldn't go on for ages, pretending like it's not happening, I have to get it out and deal with it, for good or ill! No personal allusions to anyone at all being made here, just musing on experiences I've had, and really just putting down my thoughts as they occur to me.

Well, the dear Doctor Spyde just came in with meds for me at 2 A M, so I guess I better finish this here, and take my drops and go to sleep, or he won't sleep himself, and he's dead on his nose! Dang it no, I'm going to read FP first, wanna know how you all are! Thinking of everyone out there in friend land tonight! Many huggies to all! Laters!

This is what my life is now about. Hello and goodbye. But as long as Charles is with me, that's ok. Well, it's not, it bloody sucks, but I'll get through it.

Today I awoke dead tired, but had to get up, so so much to do! Got memory cards and hard drives loaded with the stuff I need to take with me. that took some doing! Then I said goodbye to Mum and Geoff, and later Auntie Jo. Then it's just been packing, and getting things ready. Now we've eaten pizza, and are preparing to go to bed. Once I've done this I'll be closing everything down. Goodbye, Janey dear! I'll miss you so! Damn! I'll miss everything! I'm lucky, I'll have it all to come back to, I just wish we didn't have to go at all!

Well, I guess this is all. The next time I write, I'll be in the States. Just one more thing. Huge thanks go out to all my wonderful, precious friends who have supported me, and accepted Charles, over these last six months. Where I'd be without you all, I just don't know. See you in a day or two. Over and out.

Well, I'm not, actually! I'm not an Englishman in New York, nor am I an alien, but I've been concerned today with alien ships, as I have a new game, Draconis Entertainment's excellent Alien Outback. A freaking hard game it is, but very good. I get to level five right now, before I'm blown to smithereens.

The rest of today has been very up and down. Helena has gone to her Mum's for the weekend, so there was a hard and tearful parting, as I knew there would be. We're both going to find the separation hard to bear.

This evening, we, Charles and I that is, went to have dinner with my Father. he and Sandi cooked us some very good food, and made us welcome, but we nearly fried! The heat in there was almost unbearable!

Well, we're right down to it now. Tomorrow is loading of stuff on to memory cards for the flight, and packing, and saying goodbye to the family for three months. It's been a hard six months, but we've found our home. We want to live here, with the love and support of our family, and our friends all aroundus. We'll just pray very, very hard to make it come true.

And who's fault is that? mine alone. I stayed up till the early hours writing my story, just finished the third chapter, and I'm pleased with it. But it did mean I didn't get to bed till about half five this morning.

I was up at just after eight. I took a shower and dressed, and spent time with Helena. As the time slips through the glass, it has become a precious thing. Ok, it's not like we won't have any more, and it's not like she has no one else, but she's finding this separation and huge time difference about as hard as I am.

Well, at twelve it was off to the lawyer, and an ultimatum for J. One more offer, you take it, or we go to court. I refuse to worry abou tit. If they award me nothing, I'm no worse off than I am this minute, and I'll have my freedom, what's more! All I'm asking for is what I'm entitled to.

So, off to the last appointment with Gram, who gave us a more than usually huge and lavish lunch, then home for more quality time together. I finally broke, and had to install freakyfwoof's miranda, for several reasons. First, I preferred the sound scheme. More music and less Star Trek. Second, I have tried and tried for days to disable the voice plug in, to just make it tell me who signed in, but even though I'm sure I'm in the right place, it won't work. So, this new Miranda, after a little tinkering, is working like a charm!

So now Nanna and Christer are having their own time together, and Charles and I are about to hit a soft pillow so hard there'll be a dent in it! So many huggies to all, and to all a goodnight!

Hi peeps. Today has been another frantic one! I got up really early, got dressed, and made a Doctor's appointment. Jumped in a cab, and went zooming out to the Doc, to get my meds picked up. Came back with them, and also with Charles's vitamins and iron.

Then it was once more into the fray, a talk on skype with the Nanna cat, and a fight with Miranda. I love the software, and that it has the voice plug in, but it's saying too much, and I'm having a hard time getting it to shut up! As of now, I've stopped it telling me when people are idle, something I don't need to know, but can't stop it telling me about status changes, though I'm absolutely sure I've ticked the right boxes in the right options. I must say, the options in Miranda are the horror from hell!

Come one-thirty, Mom turned up with Geoff, and the latter stayed with Charles while we went off to get the last few things I needed done. Cash out of the bank for cabs and so on, a present for the woman who's taken care of the Monroe house, and a surprise for Charles. In fact, it ended by being two surprises.

When we were looking around for a birthday present for me, we both saw and liked an interactive life size cat made by Furreal. I've had several Furreals, and they just get better with time! Well, Charles couldn't get it for my birthday, but he's so into cats, he's also into interactive things, so hell! as a last surprise, I got it for him. Also, we were looking at celtic crosses for Bess, who would wear a cross and chain, where she wouldn't wear any other ornament. I happened to see a hand-made and unique commitment ring, in white and yellow gold, which I'd admired months ago when I was at my brokest, and which Charles had tried on, was still there. So, that came home with us too. The ring is engraved on the outside with the footprint design, and on the inside with these words, from the famous footprint story:

"He whispered, my precious child, I love you and will never leave you. When you saw one set of prints in the sand, I carried you."

These words are so apt for us, as I firmly believe God has carried us both so many times through this hard year, and I think will always do so, as long as we continue to trust him.

Well, we got home, and unpacked everything. The cat, which we've named Samantha, or Sammie for short, after another favourite cat of Charles's, has long soft tabby hair, and is so lifelike it's scary! She's in that half curled up position, if she's petted she purs, if you leave her she mews, she puts her paw up and cleans her face, but if you touch the back of her head, she'll roll over, lean back the way cats do. She kind of goes half back at first, while you stroke her tummy, and then she'll go all the way back and her eyes will shut, and she'll be absolutely relaxed, and purr as long as you keep stroking. She's just as cute as a button, and lovely and comforting to hold.

When everything was done I was dead on my nose, so I had to have a nap, and the rest of the evening has just been spent on Skype, and in the continued battle with Miranda! It won't be long now. Time is getting short! I'm even getting a little excited, though I'll miss the kids, and the cats!

Well, guess I'll bounce off and read my friends' page before bed. Charles is still cuddling Sammie cat, he's so cute with her! I just love doing nice stuff and making him happy. It's a good feeling! Night, all!

Hi, peeps, what a busy one, great googly moogly! Well, it was about 5 A M before I went back to sleep, but before i did that, I had a present from my friend, the dear sweet Trenton. He has configured a version of Miranda, and then he further personalized it for me. Of course, it's ages since I had Miranda installed, and I've forgotten all I ever knew about it, so when I woke up again, I had to set to, and re-learn it. Trenton had put in a buzzy little typing sound, absolutely guaranteed to send me screaming to alt F4. So I got that turned off, and did some other stuff, disabled some unneeded plug ins, but it's still being too verbose, I keep thinking I've turned off certain things, and then I re-start and back they come! peh!

Anyway, I was so busy doing that, I didn't even tweet, or read my tweets, which is unheard of! Well, all too soon it was time to dash out and get my hair cut. It looks much better now the layers are back in at the top. After that, more tinkering with and getting used to Miranda, and spending time with my friends, before the next engagement of the day!

Charles and I couldn't go out yesterday, like I said, cos I just wasn't well enough, so we went today, to a very good Indian restaurant with Mom and Geoff. We had a lovely meal there. Charles was so sweet! He'd never eaten Indian before, and he just loved it like I knew he would! He had a huge meal, and a fantastic time. Well we both had a great evening, but my pleasure was heightened by his.

So now here I am, listening to a voice like sweet Scotish heather honey, trying to get over the Asthma that's plagued me for two days, and getting ready for sleep. The days are rushing past now, and we'll be leaving in no time. Yikes, is about all I can say to that! Many huggies to all, and to all a goodnight!

Well hi, and good morning, and stuff like that! Yesterday was a weird one indeed. It was a quiet one on the whole with not too much happeing, untill late in the afternoon, or it could have been early evening, then I suddenly got a forwarded E-mail from Thompsons. Another re-schedule. This one involving a five an a half hour wait at Atlanta airport, meaning we wouldn't be home till ten past nine at night! Peh on that! Well, when I looked at the flight timings, I saw why it was necessary, but, the big question was, had they re-scheduled Charles's flight too? No, they hadn't! Thank God I'm now getting very used to the NWA website, and find it very easy to check.

So, it's a telephone call, yet again, to the N W A call centre. it got sorted. But honestly! I am never, till the day of judgement, going to book with travel agents again, I'm going to do it through the airline! Apart from anything else, they are very quick and efficient, and pleasant.

So, what happens today? Well, today my lovely bro is coming to collect me, and taking me to his house for lunch. Apparently he's arranged a big party for me. Love his heart!

I want him to get some pictures today, pictures of the babies Also pictures of the family, the party, everything he can. The more we have to show next february at the airport, the better it'll be, I'm thinking.

So, I better finish this, and get on with the day. I will try to write again later. I'm going to open my birthday present from fleurette67 today, so that if there's any instructions to be read, or batteries to be installed, I have eyes around to help. I've seen a furreal kitten, life-size, and o wow! I want it! Charles has offered to buy it for me, but, no no no
! But she's so pretty. Ah well, maybe next year.

Ok, me's out of here. Have a great day, all! Big huggles!

Let the joy bells ring out loud! Let my heart sing, fly, soar unconfined! Let all worry and care fly away from me, not to return, please God, for a while, we have both earned, I think, a little peace and happiness! My fervent prayers are answered. Today, Charles's air fare was booked, and he will be able to fly back here with me in February, I will not need to fly home alone.

It has been such a strange day! Yesterday I went to Gram's for the first time in ages, as she had been away. WE had a lovely time there, and Charles finally got to meet my Father, as he popped by during our visit. When we got back, I jumped on the net, to find Gram's Christmas present.

My favorite shopping site has gone out of business, and QVC are hopeless indeed this year! Haven't got a thing worth spit! But I found a lovely site, if you're in the uk and want really lush, unusual, and often personalized gifts, go right here and have a good shop! it's a lovely, easy site.

Well, once I'd got that done, I was so wired, I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake, just couldn't sleep a wink until eight this morning. Woke up at two, spent a little time with Nanna, and then went out to pick up some currency from Thompsons. That was absolute murder, but I got it done in the end! As I handed Charles the $400 I thought, I'm mad! if we put that in the bank, not spend it on groceries, we could have air fare! I went online, to see if the prices had changed from October, when I last looked, but I find it very confusing. In the end, I said to Charles, aw the hell, just call N W A, let's just talk to someone, and to hell with the call charges!

And so we did, and got the tickets booked, for $700 less than we have saved! So now we get to have Christmas after all, Will gets to have a little brother, Charles gets a true voice talking testament, we've even heard that Charles's bro Talmadge and his love Jan are going to be in Monroe for Christmas, so we'll get to meet her. All worries and woes are lifted from me, and my heart is ready to break with joy!

I have one sadness, that our going away so soon is making my dearest friend so sad. She tries hard to be brave about it, but I know how she's feeling. I tell her, as I've told everyone, it's not like we're going to the moon. we'll keep well in touch with everyone while we're away. But still, I'm sorry to see her sad, I know I'd feel the same if our places were changed. We three have been so close all this year since May.

I am just so full of thankfulness tonight. I so just thank my lord in heaven for bringing me through another trial. Each time something happens, I feel I'll never get through it. This year I've climbed so so many mountains! But with my love holding one hand, my dearest friend holding my other, my other wonderful friends around me, and my Lord in heaven to guide my steps and uphold me when I falter, I can make it over every hill, through every valley, till I'm home!

These beliefs may not be your own, but they are mine, without God I would never have gotten through this year, and I humbly thank him for all he has done and will do for me. Thank you, thank you Father!

Hi y'all. Just Thought I'd pop in here for a second.

I was meant to go out today to pick up the bit of currency I'm taking to Monroe for my first month's keep, it's as much as I can afford. Anyway, woke up, and knew it wasn't going to happen. Petrificus was in full on mode, but no pain, just a head full of cotton candy. So into my robe, and into the tank, and into the den.

I had some breakfast, talking to the Nanna cat on skype as usual, and sitting close to my Spyde. I'm so lucky to have these two such special people so close to me. I then checked out all my other great people on Twitter, I'm just so lucky to have great friends around.

Later on we played some games of Heist on the Pinball Classic table, it was such great fun, we all had a great laugh. Later still Nanna went to have a nap, and Mom and Geoff came over to pick up a couple of pillows, and a bean bag that was getting in the way of the tank, they were glad to have them, so yayage!

The rest of the day's really just been spent in the same old nice way. Reading, talking, playing games, cuddling my babies, hanging out on Twitter. I think now I've got the hassley things out of the way, I don't feel quite so depressed, and sort of accept that leaving's just got to happen. Doesn't make it any easier, but I can't spoil our last days with my mopey moods.

Gran's back, and we'll be there tomorrow. it'll be nice to see her again. Which reminds me, I must, must see about her Christmas present! Ok all, that's your lot for now! Huge huggies to you all! And goodnight.

Well, hi. I have now had my chair, more commonly known as the juggernaut, or the tank, for a few days, and am gradually getting used to using it, as I've had a fair few attacks of Petrificus Totalus these last couple of days. I am, in truth, getting a better driver, and the chair does surprise me at how sensitive it is to direction, and how tightly it will turn. I think my lack of sight is the reason I hit things, not its bulk and heaviness. In truth, it's heavy, weighing about 140 pounds so they said, but it's not big, no where near as big as Jane's chair is in Monroe.

Adjustments have had to be made for it in the apartment. Anything on which it might get caught had had to go bye bye, which means anything frilly and pretty pretty. Especially in the bedroom has this been felt. The pretty cushions I scattered over the bed when it's made have had to go, as at night if I needed to take the chair to the bathroom they would get run over. The satin runner which goes across the bottom of the duvet also has had to go. This frequently comes off, and would again foul up the wheels. I feel sad about stripping my girlie trimmings away, but it just has to be done.

The good side is that now, when Petrificus sets in, I am hugely more mobile and independent. Today I woke up being able to move normally, but by late afternoon everything had frozen up again, I went to have a nap, and when I got up had a bath. Normally when Petrificus sets in, having a bath involves Charles in a huge amount of care, both before, during and after. Well, during he still had to help because once in the bath I was still totally floppy. But before and after I could move about and do things for myself, even maneuvering around tight corners in the bedroom and plugging in my hairdryer to dry my hair. Thank God for having a power bar on my dressing table, and not having to bend down to the skirting board to plug stuff in. This last maneuver took some time, but Charles was doing other stuff, and anyway, with the chair taking up all the space there wouldn't have been room for him, and I was damn well determined to do it myself. When I'd reached and reached, and got the plug in the socket, and was sitting in my chair, drying my hair myself, I was so darn pleased with myself I broke into a chorus of that Destiny's child song. Ok, it's about women who make their own money, but hey! I adapted the first line to mean me!

"All the women who're independent, throw your hands up at me!" I've been feeling so bad for Charlie, having to fetch and carry and take care of me all the time. Mom says he's looking pale and care worn, which worries the hell out of me. The more I can do for myself, the less I'll have to rely on him. I don't know if we can use Jane's chair in Monroe, but if not there's always the other wheely chair. I'll find a way.

Anyway, in other news, I'm getting stuff ready to leave. Arranging insurance, buying currency, things like that. It's been a quiet week so far, not much of note happening. I just hope it stays like that, and no big things happen before we leave.

Right, well, that seems to be it from me. I hope you're all doing ok, I'm off to read my friends page before bed, and check things out. I'm sending big huggies to you all. Night, peeps.

Hello. Today has not been nice at all. I awoke at five A M, couldn't get back to sleep, so got up. Spent the day watching movies and reading, trying not to think that it was the last day of October, and we are really getting down to the wires. In two weeks now we will be leaving for Monroe, with no guarantees that the six months we've had here can ever come back again. I am scared out of my wits.

About five in the evening, I had to get a sleep. I went to bed, and to sleep, and dreamed. It was so so vivid, it went on for ages, like I was living it!

I awoke in a narrow iron bunk bed, with the sound of some kind of synthesized martial music in my ears. Below me there were two other tiny bunks. The air was warm and stuffy. We were called out of the beds by numbers, ordered into a tiny bathroom cubby hole, then ranged in a row on a bench at a shelf table against an opposite wall. We had to be called down from the beds and move one at a time, because the living space was too tiny for us all to move at the same time.

Once at the table, a back rest and restraints were strapped around us, and cathetar needles peerced us. In front of each of us a bowl, spoon and cup slid up through the table. The bowls were full of a jelly like stuff, it tasted of egg yolk. The liquid in the cup was hot, it tasted metallic. There wasn't any talking allowed. I don't know who my companions were, except they were female, and, like me, they were called by numbers, not names. I remember it was exceedingly hot, humid and muggy, and there was a constant sound, like as if air conditioning was turning itself inside out trying to keep the air clean. I wore a one piece garment, high necked, long sleeved, loose and thin, down to my ankles. I think my head was shaved, or cut very short, because I remember feeling the sweat on it.



Then the eating things disappeared, and small computer consoles came up through the table, and we were ordered: "Work!" We all began to type. I don't know what the work was, but I know it was something tedious and repetetive. And there was a deadline, we had to hurry, we had to earn. While we were eating, and working, while we were doing everything, there were broadcasts on the tannoy about The planet's gross over-population. Your one purpose in life was to pay your debt to the government. You had been allowed to live, but every breath you took cost the planet, every mouthful you ate was a burden, so you had to work to pay off your national debt, to earn your living space, your food, your bed. You woke, you ate, you worked. You ate. You slept. You woke. You ate. You worked. You ate. You slept. Nothing else. Ever.

And then suddenly I was being led out of the cubicle, dragged out, I tried to scream, but they wouldn't let me, talking, crying, screaming, sound took up too much oxygen, it wasn't allowed. Someone took hold of my arm and led me down a corridor lined with cubicle doors, I could feel them, the space between the doors on either side was just enough for one thin person to pass. We went in single file out of that corridor and into a wider place, it was like a great big underground stadium, and it was full of chairs. and the chairs were full of people, absolutely silent. The tannoy was still blaring about over population, paying your debt, working hard, being productive! we went along rows and rows and rows of chairs, all occupied. That was all the debtors had, a chair, with hardly enough room for their feet! they were strapped and wired into it. They had a rectangular placcard around their necks which said how much of their debt they owed,how much they had unpaid. Someone put one around my neck. We went on and on, past rows and rows and rows of chairs that seemd to go on forever, I couldn't breathe, the smell of all those people, the feel of the despair. Everyone was doing something, some menial task or other, there was a tray slotted across the chair arms, the chairs were a bit like airplane seats only small and narrow, and people were doing some small, endlessly repeated, menial task, to try and pay their debt. Only we all knew it would never work, no end of peace work would ever catch us up.

On the floor between the aisles were the most unlucky. They didn't even have a chair. They had nothing, no food, no work, nothing. They just lay in heaps. The person with me just kicked them out of the way. The dead were mixed with the living thill the robot cleaners came and took them away. "That's what you come too if you don't work and pay your debt!" I got told. Then I was shoved into a hard, narrow chair with arms and a high, straight back, and I knew that, if I was lucky, I'd sit in it till I died. I felt the straps go around me, and the needles go in, and the tray come across my knees. I put my hands down. I'd been given a trayfull of tiny bottles, and a boxful of caps, and I knew if I capped them for the rest of my life that would pay no debt I owed the planet for being born. I felt claustrophobia creeping over me, and I opened my mouth to scream, and woke myself up!

So there it was, a mixture of several Sci Fi novels, 1984, and a movie called The Magdalen Sisters I'd been watching earlier. Only I actually lived it, felt it, I was there, in it! And I'm here to tell you it was bloody terrifying!

Well, I reckon this is a long enough entry, so I'll finish for now. I just wish I could give several of my friends big big huggles. IN fact, I'll send you all a mass of huggles! Goodnight, all!

Ok, I appear to have bust my lj client, let's see if I mended it! It doesn't like th fact that Lulu_k is now dead and gone, and Lulu_bear66 is born! YYcakes! me is very pleased! Now, let's see if this works.

Well, I got woke up this morning by the door buzzer, cos I was stupid enough to forget to set my alarm. Two men with my wheelchair stood on the step. Boy, did I feel silly or what? Well, the chair's a bute! It's great stuff! Going to take me a while to get used to it, but hey1 least it's here.

Now I've been into the question of changing my lj name. Well, hey, surprise, surprise, none of the names I want are available, so peh! meh! lulu_k I'll have to stay, even when I'm lulu_w! Ok, that's a grumpy bear out of here. Have a good day all!

This has been a truly craptasticated day, on account of my crummy head, which has hurt me all day. Mum came over and did the mail, put a stitch in Robin's dungarees which I'd bought, they were a tad too long in the straps for him, she's put a tuck in them, and they now fit him perfectly. She was so taken with him and Caitlin, says they're the best I've got. Well, she didn't tell me anything I didn't know. She also took me to get my bangs, or fringe, trimmed, Gosh, what a relief!

When I came back I had to go to bed. Haven't long got up. My head feels better now, but it's still hurting.

A couple of days back, I wrote in my lj that a song reminded me of someone I'd irrevocably lost. I got an e-mail from that someone. I thought we'd got so far apart that we had nothing left but disagreements. Friendship is about lots of things. Honesty, loyalty, trust, laughter, good times, shared history. But isn't friendship also about second chances? even third, or fourth, or more? I don't have it in me when a hand has been put out to me to just push it away. I'm not saying the past didn't happen. I'm saying it's time for a new beginning.

On another subject, I lost a friend today. I can call him such, for we did know each other slightly, we actually spoke on the phone. He was an actor and writer called Norman Painting. He played Phil Archer, in the British radio soap opera called The Archers. he also wrote for the series. He was a good actor, a good writer, a good person.

I'll always remember speaking to him. We, J and I, had just read his autobiography, and we wrote him a joint letter. Our letter head had our phone number on it, anyway, one Sunday evening, just after The Archers had finished, the phone rang. A voice said, "Good evening, is that Louise?" I said yes, it was, and he said"This is Norman Painting!" I nearly had a heart attack right there and then! I mean, you don't expect someone like that to ring you up.

He stayed on the phone, talking to us for over an hour. He was in bad health, and very vulnerable, it seemed to me. But he was really nice to us. I think J spoke to him again, but I never did. The Archers will never be the same, that's for sure!

Well, that appears to be me done for now. I'll send you all big huggles, and vanish to see if I can stop my head from aching! Laters, peeps!

That's about all I can say about today. Nothing really awful has happened, it just don't feel good, and nothing nice has happened, and it sucks.

I slept much later than I meant to, woke up to find my dearest friend in a fragile state, which hadn't been helped by my sleeping so late, she's so worried about the future, and I worry about her, I'm just not going to be around so much for her in the next three months, and that's the brutal fact, she and I both know it, as well as we know I'll do the absolute best I can, but we three are so used to spending all our time together, it's going to feel like a wrongness to only see a little of each other each day, and it's going to be the hardest for her.

Well, I cut a chunk out of my freaking finger while making the mug cake, and Nanna came back on Skype just after we'd eaten, but she didn't feel up to feeding the babies, but we had to do it, anyway, it's my comfort in bad times, so it got did. then I had one of those awful times when I didn't feel like doing anything. Didn't wanna read, didn't wanna play games nor nuffins. Just sat here, feeling like hell, cuddled the Bobster, that's our pet name for Robin, he's so big and soft and cuddlesome, and smells so nice, Everything's been down today, my mail's down, cos Doctor Steve's puter's busted, Lj was down for most of the day, just glitches, hitches, wobbles, I just feel like I'm made out of suck today, I'm a waste of space, best thing I could do is dig a hole and disappear down it! Yeah, I know, it's not true, I'm just on a massive downer. A song's just come on which really reminds me of someone I've irrevocably lost. Brilliant! I'm off. This day needs to die! Hugs all!

No, it isn't Christmas! but today has been very nice, and though I'm ending it feeling a little subdued it needs chronicling.

I awoke early on two accounts, first, I knew I needed to be up because my meds were coming, and secondly, and much more important, the Nanna cat'shusband was going to be working all day, thus leaving her alone, so I'd be on friend duty until he returned, a service I do gladly for she who does so much for me!

Well, soon we were all three on Skype, chatting and eating breakfast, the meds turned up, and then we got on with our day, Twitter, Facebook, The Zone, games, all kinds of stuff. About two O'clock, the door buzzed, and o joy! the twins had arrived. Caitlin sian was out first. In the kind of wooly cardi my baby sister used to wear, and a horrible voluminous satin romper, and the kind of knitted bootees no baby nowadays wears. But what counted was, she had the cutest, sweetest face, was, is, big and bonny, with soft skin, and thick, soft strawberry blonde hair, and half shut, long-lashed blue eyes. She sucks a passy, or dummy as we would call it, and she's just totally adorable!

Next, out came Robin Michael. Gosh, he's so big, as long as Caitlin, 21 inches, but such a little fatty! he has the biggest feet and hands of any of my babies, and the softest, softest skin. Thick blond hair, great big blue eyes, a cheeky smile, and chubby little fists. His clothes were, again, a dead loss. A revolting smocked silk romper that made him look like little Lord Fauntleroy, and nothing else but a diapper, no socks nor shoes, disgusting!

So, once Sarah showed up and gave the appartment a clean, I grabbed a lift off her, and we went to Mother Care. Robin now wears denim dungarees and a striped Tee shirt and cool little sneakers, and Caitlin has an outfit I happened to have, soft sweats anda shirt, and I bought her a cool pair of pink sneakers with hearts on the sides, she looks gorgeous! They now, like my others, look like babies, not dolls.

The reason I'm feeling subdued is I've just learned Charles's eye is playing him up, and he didn't tell me he's run out of one of his drops that he needs, and is having to suffer it. So tomorrow I'll be taking him to the Doctor. But on the whole, it's been a lovely day, and I'm just feeling glad and grateful for my loved ones, friends, and my little ones. I could probably have bought something spectacular with the money I've spent on them this year, if I'd put it in a savings account. But I swear! I would never have believed how much pleasure and comfort and joy those babies could give me!

Ok, enough for now. I'm about to have a nice bottle of tea. Many huggies to all my wonderful friends, and goodnight!